Sunday, May 1, 2011

Ummmm...yea. This is my short story -_-

Candice put the key in the lock and turned it with urgency. She stepped in her grandma's house and shut the door as fast as she could, trying to keep the gust of wind from coming in with her. She couldn't help but to rest on the back of the door and let out a sigh of relief as she had finally gotten home. She sluggishly stomped the snow off the bottom of her boots and left them on the carpet next to the front door. Candice walked through the living room to the couch, "Hey grandma."
Her little cousins interjected "Hey Bri-Bri".
 "Hey y'all", she responded.
My grandma finally said,"Hey baby. I see you didn't call when you got on the bus."
"Yeah, I know. I forgot to cause I was just trying to hurry up and get home", Candice said.
"Aw", her grandma responded, finished with the conversation. Candice trudged over to the couch and plopped down. She rested there for a few minutes, motionless, and eyes closed. When she reopened them, she finally noticed the spectacle on the floor of Christmas lights and scattered branches of the fake tree that her grandma put up every year. She knew then that the day was here. When her grandma hangs lights from both banisters, the landing, puts them in her window, and puts up her Christmas tree all in the same day. She does it every year, with or without someone's help. Her lights are always the first to be up.

Candice helps her grandma with the decorating every year, because she doesn't want to see her do it alone. Candice knows perfectly well that her sixty-nine year old grandma moves around just as good as anyone half her age, but she knows it's always better to have help. She rested there in the same position for a while until she got tired of watching her grandma's behind move in front of the TV every five seconds. Candice got up and walked over to a pile of lights on the floor and untangled them. After that her grandma instructed her to plug the  lights to test if they work, not like she already didn't know what to do. But she didn't say anything and did what she was told. The string of white lights lit up a path on the floor and then she unplugged them. Candice continued this process while constantly hearing her grandma say, "don't step on the lights!", to her younger cousins.

All the lights were checked and Candice's grandmother headed outside with delight, delight that Candice did not share. Candice hated the cold, but knew it would take her grandma that much longer to complete the task without her help and she sometimes saw i as some special time with he grandma. They did not speak while they worked, but silently shared the frigid cold weather and the obligation to finish the job before nightfall.

 She strapped up with her coat, scarf, and hat. But still no gloves. If she didn't have anything else, she needed her gloves. Her grandma was already outside with a string of lights and her step ladder, hanging lights already. Candice knew that her little cousin Govonna would have gloves. So she asked to borrow hers and then went outside. The little mittens felt so awkward on Candice's hands, because of course they were meant for someone half her size, but she wore them anyway.
Candice let out a big sigh as she bent down to pick up the lights and then pushed through the screen door to the unforgiving cold. That first gust of wind slapped Candice in the face and overtook her senses. She walked down the stairs slowly and stopped when she got to the bottom. She paused thinking to herself that she would have to ignore the weather until the job was done. By the time she was almost done with one banister her hands were as white as the snow that fell from the sky. She saw it as it fell onto her hands but she could not feel it. Her nose was running ferociously and all she could do was wipe it with her borrowed gloves and the sleeves of her coat. She would occasionally peek at her grandmother to see if she was struggling with the weather as much as she was.But all she saw was contentment and peace across her grandmother's face. Candice was baffled. She thought to herself "She doesn't feel how cold it is and why isn't she as cold as me!" But she didn't ask questions, but just kept working. And as Candice kept working she tried to emulate the way her grandmother resisted the weather and was content in her own world. It helped for a little while, but Candice couldn't ignore the way it. They strung lights from the landing, wrapped them around the banister and even put a few bows around.

As they twisted the last bow onto a string from the lights, Candice noticed her grandma walk all the way down the stairs and into the middle of the parking lot. And by this time it was about eight or nine o' clock at night. When she finished tying the bow, she followed her grandmother to wherever she was walking and they both finally stopped when they could see the house in its entirety and had a full view of everything. Too bad they could not see anything. From where they were standing, the house looked the same as before except with little dots all over the place where the lights should be shining.
Candice's grandmother startled her when she hollered "Turn'em on!" to her little cousins in the house.
After a few long moments of anticipation there was a flicker from the lights on one of the banisters, then the entire house lit up from side to side, basement to roof. The dark neighborhood now had a night light, her grandmother's house. Candice's grandmother let a small smirk of satisfaction light across her face and she let out a sigh of relief. Candice was in awe too. she let her eyes drift across the lights from bulb to bulb until she noticed her grandmother looking at her. She turned her head to see her delighted grandmother and her grandma linked her arms with hers. And that was all the thanks that Candice needed.
They stood there for a few more moments, Candice wiped her nose one last time, and they both retreated into the house.  

3 comments:

  1. I think you should seperate the dialogue from the narrations. That way it is more clear and you get a better sense of who is speaking. Other than that good start. P.s your grandma's so young!

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  2. Don't forget to start another paragraph after someone speaks and when you change speakers.
    You went from third person to first? Maybe you should start a new paragraph to show the drastic change.
    The second to last sentence of the first paragraph "She does every it every year, ..." maybe the first every was a mistake?
    The second paragraph "After that he grandma..." did you mean her? grandma.
    The sentence after that it I in If should not be capital.
    The third paragraph "She strappedvup..." mistake?
    The story is coming along well but u should add on of course =] :
    Also try developing Candice's character, telling us a little more about her since you are writing from the narrator's point of view.
    One last segesstion for when you add on, remember to develop a story line/plot.

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  3. Bri-Bri,
    This is a very good and well written start to your short story. You just need to find a way to extend the length. Try to describe everything in the story with more detail if possible and recall every single event that took place within the time of this story that could have an effect to the events or add to the feeling and emotion of the story. Also just some minor grammatical changes such as the spacing around the dialogue and you'll be good.

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